50 Shades of Play: Make a BDSM Wish List

Written by on 05/13/2013 in Kink/BDSM, Sex, Sex for Couples

Make a BDSM wish list, be a dominatrixThe runaway blockbusters of the last few years have put a spotlight on power play in the bedroom. Which, in and of itself, is fantastic. It’s a fantasy realm with so many possibilities. But all forms of power playing, from a giggling adventure with fur handcuffs and an ostrich feather, to the disciplined levels of a BDSM dungeon, have one common rule of engagement. There must be a negotiated consent between partners.

Negotiated consent sets out the boundaries, the rules, the limits, the expectations, and defines a “safeword.” A safeword is a word or phrase, that when uttered by any participant immediately ends the “scene.”

So, how do you go about negotiating consent when it’s a conversation that many people are embarrassed to start? I recommend doing a wish-list together. Set a timer for five or ten minutes and make a list of the top ten things you would like to do, or to have done to you. Remember, your list is all about your fantasies and desires, not your partner’s. Don’t put things on the list that you don’t want to do, just because you think your partner would like to do them. Stay completely nonjudgmental about things on your list or your partner’s list. There is no pressure or obligation to do anything on any of the lists.

When the timer goes off, switch lists, and make check marks beside the things you’re ready to do, right now, on the kitchen table if you could get naked fast enough. Place stars next to the ones that you’ll consider, or are willing to talk about. Put an X next to the ones that are completely non-negotiable.

From there you’ve a great starting point for talking about what you would like to try, and you can fine tune expectations. For example, say your partner would really like you to spank him. And the thought of him bent over and whimpering while you apply a little discipline makes you pretty tingly. From there, you negotiate methods (open handed, gloves, a halibut,) timing, criteria for determining when someone has had enough, and post-play expectations. Remember, sexy time is fun time, and you want to make sure everyone is happy.

So, you’ve agreed that he’s a bad boy, and he needs a spanking. You’ve donned your Italian leather driving gloves, you’ve raised his suit jacket and shirt, lowered his trousers and briefs, and have him bent across your lap, his growing erection pressed against your thighs. You raise your hand, ready to make him squirm and plead, when you remember that both of you need to be reminded of your chosen safeword. Never start a scene without a safeword, and never continue a scene once the safeword has been used.

You have consent, you have understanding, you have a safeword, and you have an eager, wiggling, naked person in your lap. You are welcome.

Do you have questions about power playing? Leave them in the comments or email us and perhaps Mme. Welty will answer them in a subsequent column.

Euphoria Welty

Madame Welty is a writer, an ethicist, and a firm disciplinarian who believes most grown-ups need a good spanking. Find her on Facebook.

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