Five Ways to Have Safer Kinky Sex

Written by on 03/26/2013 in Kink/BDSM, Sex for Couples

Have safer kinky sexI love a good bit of kinky sex in my life, whether it’s an over-the-knee spanking, being tied to the bed and teased, or whatever else Stephen has in mind for me. We’ve been together a long time, but even now we follow these guidelines to make sure what we’re doing is safe and we both want it.


This is absolutely vital. We talk about what we want before we play. We communicate verbally during play. Stephen is looking at how my body responds to what he’s doing, but it’s also my job to tell him if something’s not right.

After we’ve finished playing, usually when we’re locked in a tight embrace as I’m on a come-down, we’ll discuss what was great or what wasn’t so good. It makes it better the next time and builds our trust in each other.

If one of us has had a crappy day at work, we won’t want to play. Being able to tell the other person “no,” knowing they won’t judge or sulk, is very empowering to our relationship. I think our kink has made us stronger as a couple, just because we talk more.

Use Safe Words

If you read anything about kinky play, you’ll come across the concept of safewords. The best way to explain this is with an example. Imagine you’re tied down and blindfolded. Your partner is sliding an ice cube up your thigh and you know he’ll rub it over your clit next. You’re moaning in pleasure but at the same time, the anticipation is almost overwhelming and you protest with “No, please, not there.”

It might not be a real protest, just your way of trying to take a bit of control of the situation, and you might not actually have wanted it to stop. However, if your partner stopped and you really wanted him to have continued, you might both be left feeling a bit unfulfilled (although your nether regions would be warmer!).

Safe words prevent this–it’s an agreed word that you use when you really do mean NO. Choose words that you wouldn’t use in a bedroom situation, but are easy to say. Even something as simple as “yellow” for slow down and “red” for stop can work just fine.

What if you’re gagged (ooh, blimey!)? That’s easy too. . . hold something brightly colored or that rattles loudly, that you can wave to get attention.

Use safe words
Whatever your game, be sure to agree in advance on a word or gesture your partner will understand as a red light. Of course, you’re also welcome to call him Mr. Spock.

Stop Slowly

Even if you use your safe word during play, your partner should try not to just suddenly come to a screeching halt.

For example if you were being spanked, just pulling his hand away might not be the best thing, as you would still be anticipating the next strike, not knowing whether he’d heard you or not. However, if he rested his hand on your back or bottom, you’d know that he’d listened to you and you’d be able to relax.

Or, if you’re dabbling in a bit of anal play and you decide that butt plugs really ain’t your thang and you want to stop, the best thing is to leave the plug where it is and slowly withdraw it, not just rip it out! Ouch!

The message is slowly and surely. It’s about inspiring trust and reassuring both of you that it’s okay.

Remember Comfort

Being tied up is fun but it can also be demanding on the body, especially if you’re not used to it. Definitely use the bathroom before starting any play. . . it would be awful to be all tied up and teased then realize that you should have gone before you started!

If I get enough warning of Stephen’s intentions for an evening, I try to do some stretching too–it really helps if I’m going to be in the same position for a while. And I stretch afterwards as well. The yoga advice in 50 Shades of Grey was good advice!

I tend to get cold, especially when I’m restrained, so it’s essential we keep the room quite warm and have a blanket handy. We also keep an eye out for pins and needles, numbness, blue fingers, etc. Your partner should be keeping an eye on you, and you should tell him if anything’s amiss. After all, there’s nothing like pain in your wrist and hand from those handcuffs, to detract from what your beloved is trying to do with that ice cube.


Whether you’re new to kinky play, or a seasoned player, there’s likely some adrenaline and endorphins released, which take a little while to clear your system. Some people barely notice, some get a huge high out of it. I have been known to be absolutely fine, or to get the shivers, feel hypersensitive, relaxed, or even get the giggles.

How much you react depends on what you were doing, for how long, and your own body chemistry. The aftercare bit is making sure that you’re safe and warm while your body returns to its normal state.

I love this bit–I get wrapped up nice and warm, and given an all-encompassing full body hug by Stephen. He always whispers he loves me, strokes my hair. . . and when I’m ready, we discuss what we did.

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