Let’s talk about men and their fantasies. Have you ever dated someone who confessed to his secret sexual fantasy and both of you were surprised that you were fine with it?
If you haven’t, let’s assume it’s either because you’re not asking about his fantasies, or he wants serious kink and you’d rather not go there.
My casual research whilst dating over the years is that there are a lot of men out there who assume that women will shriek in horror and call them a pervert if they ask for anything beyond the basic missionary/doggie options. I challenge you to test this theory if you don’t believe me.
Perhaps because men are watching more and more porn, and seem to be more comfortable flirting with overt statements like, “Girls with short hair turn me on,” or “I love the way you fill in those jeans,” we assume that they’re going to be just as comfortable verbalizing their specific sexual desires once in bed. Although some of us are more Samantha Jonesian than others, most women don’t flirt by telling a guy, “Your polo shirt makes me hot.” If a man is, he must be just as comfortable saying out loud, “I want you to get down on all fours and put this blind fold on.” Right?
I’m not even talking BDSM dungeons; these might be really vanilla fantasies. Maybe he wants you to wear stilettos during sex, or try a bit more confrontational position.
He’s not going to ask you if you don’t let him know that you’re willing to hear it. Put yourself in his shoes. He’s found this amazing woman who, every morning, dresses for work and waltzes out the door checking her iPhone. Do you seem like someone silently wishing he’d tie your wrists to the bedpost and have at it with a paddle? Of course not. You’re a classy, intelligent, grounded woman. He thinks. He might also think you’ll storm off in a huff, interpreting his desire to ______ as proof that he’s a misogynistic prick.
You need to let him know that when the lights are down and you’re in bed, you are not the iPhone-carrying, rational woman you are by day. Instead you are a naked experimenter in the classroom of lurv.
Seriously, if you like vanilla sex, don’t ask. If you’re afraid you won’t like what he has to say, find another bedtime companion. But if you’re even the tiniest bit curious, let him know. You don’t even have to ask him outright–just initiating the smallest thing can show him you’re willing to experiment.
But if you want major brownie points, wait till the next time you’re somewhere public, and pop the question. NO, not that question. This one: “How do you feel about handcuffs?”