I’ve just been reading Naomi Wolf’s Vagina. A “feminist self-help biography of the vagina,” it does sound a bit bonkers, I admit. I’m not even going to get into whether the science bits are accurate, because I’m not a scientist and I haven’t got a clue. What did strike a chord with me was the idea that our vaginas are conscious, and if we mistreat, oppress or ignore them, we get depressed. If we pamper, satisfy and pay attention to our vaginas, we will be rewarded with more creativity, optimism, and serenity.
If that isn’t an argument to get your man to give you more foreplay, I don’t know what is!
On a more serious note, however, I think Wolf may be on to something. She isn’t very porn-friendly, in fact she blames pornographic images for “distancing” women from their own vaginas, but not all porn is created equal. When I began my brief career as an adult actress, I didn’t give much thought to issues of women’s empowerment or sexuality, and I certainly didn’t ask my vagina’s opinion. Perhaps I should have. After some months of filming fairly indiscriminately and completely ignoring my own sexual expression in the meantime, my vagina and me were definitely not happy. I had zero sex drive and was beginning to see my sexuality and my body as a commodity.
This changed when I realised I had become so closed off from my own sexual feelings that I wasn’t even masturbating anymore. When I realised the problem wasn’t so much what I was doing for a living as how I was going about it, I started to change the way I worked. I only filmed scenes that, were I the viewer, I would find erotic. I only worked with directors and photographers that were female-friendly–or female! And I started speaking up if I didn’t agree with something. Rather than losing jobs, as I had expected, this new attitude led to me being taken a lot more seriously and making high-quality, female-friendly porn that I would actually watch.
And my sex drive returned!
Whether or not Wolf is right and my vagina really does have a mind of her own, I can certainly say that when I treat her right, I feel good. You may not have gone to the extremes I did, but most of us have had sex when we didn’t really feel like it, or pretended something turned us on when it really didn’t, or even plucked, shaved, or–ouch–had surgery on our vaginas to make them more “acceptable.” Maybe it’s time we gave them a bit more love.
Here’s a few suggestions for treating your vagina right:
Give her a massage. Yes, really. Get some warm oil, and give yourself a rub. This doesn’t have to be sexual, but if it goes there, enjoy yourself.
Make a list of what really feels good, not what’s supposed to feel good. If oral is one of your faves, get your man to devote a session to just that (you can return the favor another day). Be honest about your sexual needs.
Find your G-spot. Use a warming lube, insert one or two fingers about an inch or two in, and you’ll find the magic spot on the front wall of your vagina. Rub, press and massage until it feels good. In Tantra and sex therapy, G-spot orgasms are renowned for releasing any issues around sexual confidence and identity. It can be tricky to find it yourself without contorting into some weird positions, but if you’re struggling there are plenty of specially designed G-spot sex toys that will make things easier.
Buy some pretty cotton knickers. Forget the itchy lace and thrush-inducing synthetic materials.
Don’t watch porn that makes you feel crap, especially if you’re prone to comparing your bits with those on screen.
Lobby your local politician for a national Vagina Day. Okay, I’m joking, but it could work. . .
Until next time, much love, Scarlett (and Scarlett’s vagina).
Cupcake photo by Vagina Art.