As you may have noticed, we’re spending each Friday with Scarlett Ryan, a former adult actress and writer (and yes, she is English). This week she shares her personal viewpoints on various types of lovers. I love a good debate and heartily disagree with her opinion on Jokers, having found a few clownish personalities surprisingly intense in the bedroom. What’s your opinion? We’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Men. . . we seem to spend most of our time analyzing them, complaining about them, or dressing up for them. I’m all for the sisterhood but let’s face it, most of us like to have a man in our life and don’t want to run off and live in an all-female commune. It’s usually a case of “Can’t live with them, don’t want to live without them (some of the time).”
Having spent a long time observing these strange creatures, I believe these to be the main subspecies. . .
The Sports Jock
Fairly common, often found in packs.
Habitat: The sports bar, the sports field, the gym.
Clothing: Gym or sports gear. When this isn’t appropriate, he’ll be wearing a tight top that shows off his chiseled torso.
Sexual Performance: Has loads of stamina and a great body; be prepared to keep up. However, if he’s playing or has a contest the next day, sex will be out of bounds.
Rarer than some other types.
Habitat: The comedy club, the center of a laughing group of people at the party, the video store.
Clothing: Silly hats, bright colours, and t shirts with humorous slogans.
Sexual Performance: Is always up for a laugh and consequently is quite adventurous. Doesn’t give a toss if you have cellulite, and will give your boobs and bits silly names. Don’t expect sensual romance, and do prepare yourself for him breaking wind at inappropriate moments and finding it hilarious.
Believed to be rare, but this is probably because they tend to hide away.
Habitat: At his computer or at a comic book store. Spends a lot of time in his bedroom, either at his mother’s or in a shared house with other nerds.
Clothing: Dodgy jumpers. T-shirts with comic book characters or clever slogans about physics.
Sexual Performance: Shy and fumbly. However he has untapped depths and if you can bring him out of his shell, can prove to be a highly inventive lover.
Reasonably common, unfortunately.
Habitat: The gym, but not the sweaty gyms with huge weights that your Sports Jock frequents, but a top of the range gym with lots of mirrors. Swanky bars.
Clothing: Designer, designer, designer. Or if it isn’t, he pretends it is.
Sexual Performance: Is probably great in bed, with a whole box of sexual tricks. He’s all about performance, but bear in mind you’re probably not the only girl he’s impressing with his skills.
The Control Freak
Common in certain circles.
Habitat: Board meetings and the office. In secret; sex clubs.
Clothing: Suit and tie. Everything will match.
Sexual Performance: He will of course insist on being in control. Fantastic if you’re naturally submissive. Has great staying power. But be warned–this type is the most likely to have a penchant for kinky sex games.
The most common of all.
Habitat: The pub. Sports matches–watching, not playing. In front of the TV or on the Xbox.
Clothing: Jeans or tracksuits. Odd socks.
Sexual Performance: Gets most of his ideas from his amateur porn stash. May be lacking in foreplay skills. However, often the most eager to please and easiest to train–if you can drag him away from the TV.
Rare, although it does depend on the company you keep.
Habitat: Jail. Spanish villas.
Clothing: Expensive Italian suits. Or if he’s less sophisticated, a muscle vest. Either way, there may be suspicious looking stains.
Sexual Performance: No one knows, as their girlfriends aren’t talking, or have mysteriously disappeared.