One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that their partner’s method of giving you a hand job leaves a lot to be desired. He’s either not pushing your buttons in the right way, or failing to find them at all. Unfortunately many of us, rather than taking steps to address it, pretend everything is fine and inwardly wince while he’s rubbing your clit as if he’s trying to rub it off, or scrabbling around at your bits like a kid with his hand in the sweetie jar. Probably the most common complaint I hear is that he’s too rough. This is because we tend to touch others how we like to be touched ourselves, and so because he likes a firm grip and a fast and furious pace (spy on him masturbating if you don’t believe me) he may well assume that you do too.
Now before you roll your eyes and think men, here’s a few home truths: his lousy technique isn’t just his fault. If you, and quite possibly his exes, have never told him otherwise, how is he supposed to know? If like so many of us you’re even faking your enjoyment so as to “get it over and done with” then you can hardly blame him if he thinks that everything is fine. So you can see how the whole thing might be a bit confusing for him. So the first thing you need to do is; stop faking it. The second thing you need to do is talk to him. And this is where a lot of us come unstuck.
For many women, and this has been true of myself in the past too, we can do it, talk to our friends about it, read about it, write about it and dream about it, but when it comes to talking to our man about it, we clam up. Often we don’t want to hurt his feelings, as well as an underlying embarrassment we can’t quite shake off.
As far as hurting his feelings goes, I’m going to share some tips that have worked for me and my friends on just how to broach the subject in a way that won’t offend him but will get results. As for your own worries that you’ll seem too forward or general embarrassment about talking about sex there’s only one thing I can say.
Get over it.
If you don’t, the problem will just continue. You need to take responsibility for your own pleasure. At the end of the day if you approach it in the right way then the outcome can only be a good one.
So, how can you direct him to touch you more effectively without bruising his sensitive ego? There are a few general guidelines you might want to keep in mind:
Keep it positive.
Keep it direct and simple.
If all else fails, show him.
By keeping it positive, I mean, don’t criticize. Praise what he does do right–even if that’s very little–and encourage him to build on it. For example if he’s on target with your clit but is rubbing it way too hard, don’t say, “OW, that’s too rough!”
Try, “That’s exactly the right spot, can you do that softer? Oooh yes.” This should result in him modifying his technique while also feeling like he’s been praised rather than criticized.
Keep it direct with concise instructions rather than discussing your entire anatomy. If you need him to move up a bit, or left a bit, then that’s all you need to say. Men respond best to simple advice and while this may seem a bit cold and logical to our more emotional natures, it’s the best way to get results. Guys often like maps and manuals, so think of it as if you’re giving him a map of your bits, or a how-to manual for your body. In as few words as possible. Of course, this doesn’t mean you need to bark orders at him like a foreman–a breathy, “left a bit darling,” followed by a loud moan when he gets it right, are all you need.
Noises are a good way to direct him without getting too vocal, if you’re still feeling a bit shy. Quite simply, stay quiet and still when he’s getting it wrong, then writhe and moan encouragingly as soon as he even slows down, or gets nearer your hot spots, or whatever you’re trying to encourage him to do. It’s worth bearing in mind too that men often find being spoken dirty to a massive turn on. So if you’re feeling more adventurous you can dress up your directions as naughty talk. For example, “I love it when you stroke my pussy…” adding exactly how you want him to stroke it.
If all else fails, show him. Some men are just naturally ham-handed and with the best will in the world may never have the touch you crave. Most guys love watching their partner masturbate and as men tend to be visual learners, this may work where all else fails. Put his hand over yours while you’re touching yourself so he can feel your rhythm. Just make sure when you do this that you touch yourself exactly how you want to be touched, not as if you’re putting on a performance for him. Let him see how to make you quiver. If even this doesn’t improve his technique, at least you will have had an orgasm!