The Drumstick

Written by on 02/24/2017 in Humor, Romance & Dating

The joy and curse of being a woman: being at a cafe or bar alone and realizing you are the most tempting and delightful drumstick at an understocked buffet.

You notice in your peripheral vision the classic signs: licking lips, drool wiped from jaws, throats clearing. One gaze in particular is usually strongest, and it’s only a matter of time until the owner of that gaze is standing eleven inches away and staring down the neckline of your top while introducing himself.

If you are single and need an ego boost, this is the best feeling short of getting a new push-up bra and pair of heels sold to you by a moonlighting Chippendale.

If you just want to enjoy a latte or beer in peace, it is a depressing reminder that we still live in a sexist world.

Boys, this may come as a surprise, but I’ve been fat and I’ve been thin, I’ve been the “curvy nerd” and the “hot chick,” I’ve been horny and I’ve been standoffish. But no matter what, in every city and state I’ve lived in, one thing remains true: men pursue, and men do not like to feel pursued. The best way to make a man run screaming into the night is to show interest in him.

Why? Well they’re the hunters and we’re the gatherers, right?

What if you have tits and a hunting instinct? You learn to use that instinct in very subtle ways. You chat calmly, as though you’re just killing time. You don’t touch, not even an arm graze. Feel free to smile and laugh, but not directly at him.

It’s fine that women have to learn a mating dance, a way to flash feathers effectively. Men, hopefully, learn too. What’s frustrating is that the male mating dance can feel aggressive simply because it’s overt. An interested man stares, locks eyes, asks questions, tells jokes to make you laugh, stays pretty close physically, and does tiny things to avoid the interference of others.

When you as a man say that women are manipulative, that we don’t admit what we want, that we’re teases, that we “play hard to get” – when you say these things, we want to grab a Spork and bury it in your ear. Not because we don’t love you, but because, for the love of God, we are this way for a reason.

And the reason, sexy man, is that being forthright, clear, independent and honest would scare the living daylights out of you.

Don’t agree? Please! Prove me wrong.

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